You Can Love Someone and Still Hate Caregiving Today
I love my grandchildren beyond measure. I would turn the world upside down for them. Some days, it feels like that is exactly what I am doing.
I can love them completely and still be tired. I can be thankful they are here and still wish the circumstances were different. I can enjoy the cuddles, the laughter and the ridiculous little moments while also wanting everyone to stop needing me for twenty minutes.
Caregiving is talked about in such pretty language. We hear about devotion, strength and sacrifice. We hear much less about eating cold food, missing work, waiting on hold, filling out forms, forgetting our own appointments and lying awake trying to remember what we forgot.
Sometimes caregiving is beautiful. Sometimes it is funny. Sometimes it is gross, expensive and deeply inconvenient. Sometimes all of that happens before breakfast.
I think many caregivers are scared to admit when they hate it. They worry someone will hear, “I hate caregiving today,” and translate it into, “I do not love the person.”
That is not what it means.
It means today was hard. It means you are tired of being responsible. It means you would like to finish one thought without being interrupted or make one decision that is not about someone else.
I have raised three children with high needs and I am now raising two very young grandchildren with my husband. I know how love can sit right beside anger, grief, humour and exhaustion. Human beings are capable of having more than one feeling at a time. Thank goodness, because caregivers can have about twelve before lunch.
Ottawa has resources, but finding them takes time and energy. You can leave messages, explain your story repeatedly and still wonder whether you called the right place. Meanwhile, the laundry continues to reproduce and everybody still needs dinner.
This is part of why I created Caregiver Corner. I wanted a place where caregivers did not have to clean up the story before telling it. You can love someone and admit that this is hard. You can be committed and still need help. You can laugh at something completely inappropriate because sometimes that is how you get through the day.
I am not here to assess you or tell you what you should do. I can listen, share possible connections and let you decide what might be useful. There is no cost.
If today was awful, you are allowed to say that. Tomorrow may be different. Or it may also be awful. Either way, you should not have to pretend.
